I finally returned to Costco today after a long reprieve. My wife had renewed her membership about a week ago and in doing so added me on to it was well. Before today I was excited to return to the store that allows you to buy 2 gallons of mayonnaise. Actually it is not the mayonnaise that draws me there. I actually really dislike mayo. BLEH!

What my eyes are really drawn to are the produce, the meat (beef, chicken, pork, and fish), and the beverages (soda, juice, wine, beer, and hard alcohol). Oops! I forgot to mention the gas prices are pretty awesome. Yes, all grocery stores have these items, but they are not in bulk and at a reasonable price.

So my wife and I arrived at Costco at about 11 o’clock today. Before we entered the store we enjoyed a very affordable Costco lunch. Unfortunately, when I say enjoyed I really meant endured. I had got what looked like a fried burrito and my wife got the standard hotdog combo, which included a soda. My fried burrito was pretty gnarly. It was a fried shell of bread stuffed with meat and cheese. In some areas the bread had become one with cheese causing cheesy meat leaks. I did try to give the burrito the benefit of the doubt. I ate a good portion of it, before I could do no more. My wife was not really enjoying her hotdog either. I think the highlight of the meal was the Pepsi. Thank God for carbonation. Those tiny bubbles can make almost any taste in your mouth disappear.

Once we were done we grabbed an oversized shopping cart and entered the store. My wife flashed her Costco Card and I pointed to her and mouthed, “I am with her.” Once we were past the Costco gate guards our struggle began.

I guess I forgot how difficult it was to navigate the boat Costco calls a shopping cart through the masses. Gone are the days when people where courteous. People were all over the place with their carts. All I could think was, “if this is how they drive a shopping cart, how do they drive when behind the wheel of a car?” As we dived deeper into the store the crowds just intensified. I had to resort to the way I drive in the city just to get anywhere. In short I became an “A” hole. I cut people off, tapped my ring against the cart when people would not move, and I bullied my way across crowded isles. I had the crazy eyes and anyone that looked into them knew they better move or get hit with a cart. Granted it was all a bluff with the crazy eyes. We had food in the cart and I did not want it to get damaged by someone rolling over it with his or her body.

After we had our fill of the store we battled our way to the cashiers and waited in the ridiculously long line. Fortunately, the line moved quickly and we where out of the store and in the fresh open air. We were free to move about and not be hindered. Oh, happy day! On our way back to our card I declared “Costco is the only acceptable place to run your cart into someone else’s on purpose and not feel guilty.”

Remember, to survive at Costco you must put the crazy eyes on.