My wife and I recently took at jaunt to Lowe’s to peruse their carpet collection. Carpets are particularly expensive when they have measurements of 8 feet by 11 feet and Lowe’s offers a price for these size carpets that is within our budget. There is a trade off though. Decent prices for a large carpet usually means the selection to choose from is somewhat limited. Despite these odds we found a carpet that is very much to our liking and purchased it on the spot. However, what intrigued me most on our reasonably priced rug adventure were the descriptions that accompanied each carpet. Particularly, there was one description that tickled my ear upon hearing it.

One of the carpets we were considering was lightly colored and composed of many stripes. The thickness of the carpet was favorable and conjured thoughts of a soft embrace for our bare feet as we walked from our stairs to the kitchen. Yes it does sound lovely.

As my wife felt the texture of the carpet with her hand she read the blurb on the tag and in a calm tone told me that the carpet had a “plush pile.” Whoa…plush pile! What does that mean? My mind being what it is, immediately thought of the words “fancy poop.” Come on, “plush pile” kind of sounds like someone is trying to sell “fancy poop” right?

Ironically enough it was a large amount of non-fancy poop that had my wife and at Lowe’s looking at new carpets. My poor dog has been going through some rough (pun intended) times with allergies, bee stings, and spider bites. A major side effect of each can and in our dog’s case is explosive diarrhea. It is like nothing I have ever seen.

A few days back on our morning walk my dog goes his usual number two and to my dismay it is less than solid in its consistency. In fact I cant’ even scoop it up. All I could do was cover it with some leaves and quickly walk away. When we get back to our house, in my infinite wisdom, I feed him his normal amount of dog food. Usually when your dog gets diarrhea you cut the amount of food in half or just forgo it all to let their stomach right itself. Not me though. Let’s fill his intestine up with lots of explosive rounds of poop!

Well after I finished my pre-morning routine, I gave Isaac a pat on his head and left for work. So the day goes by as normal and I head home blah blah blah… Here is where the real story continues.

I slide my key into the lock of our home door, add my customary “I hear a doooooooog” and open the door. Immediately my nostrils are assaulted by foul yet familiar smell. My first thought was that poop happens. And yes my dog has had accidents in the house before, but this was unlike anything that has happened before. It is like when people reminisce about the big storm of 1981 and all the damage that was incurred. I will definitely never forget and reminisce about my dog’s heinous bowel movement in out living room.

Let me paint a mind picture for you. When finally turned on the light to assess the damage I could not believe my eyes. It was like Jackson Pollock had splattered dog poop all over our carpet. Actually it probably would have been Andy Warhol. I heard he used bodily fluids in some of his pieces of art. Anyway my dog had to have lost at least five pounds. It was amazing, horrifying, admirable, and so freaking disgusting. I did not know how to begin to clean it all up. My wife came home shortly after me and went through a similar process that left her dumbfounded as well.

In the end (pun intended again) we decide the carpet had lived a long a full life. Also, no amount of cleaning would decontaminate the wasteland left by my dog. I folded the carpet in half, rolled it up, and tossed it by our trash.

And now we are back at the beginning of the story with my wife and I at Lowe’s searching for a new carpet. We did get a new carpet by the way and it is freaking awesome. However, one of the descriptions that does not accompany our new carpet is “plush pile” to my delight.