Roaming Ninjas

Posted on June 9, 2011 by blksquirrel

I received an email from a family friend the other day and attached the email were two images. I was not the only one to receive said email. Many other people were attached to the email as well. Shortly after I read and surveyed the images responses began to appear in my inbox. Check out the images below. Maybe you can guess some of the responses. Well I will tell you that most of the replies were of the inappropriate nature (Not that I was offended). Looking at the second image one could arrive at the idea that the gnome and dragon were caught in the act (giggles). However, I had my own ideas about why the dragon and gnome were in such a cozy embrace. I have posted the picture below so you can see the images sent in the email.

 

 

 

 

 

Here is how I think events unfolded.

Hmm…

I would surmise that the dragon is actually protecting the shady looking gnome. It is not the gnome’s fault he looks that way. That is how he was cast.

Here is the story as I see it.

On Friday afternoon, while everyone was inside, the gnome was set upon by a band of roaming ninja. The gnome fought bravely, but was finally backed against the post. In a last ditch effort he pleaded with the almighty dragon to save his tiny life. Thankfully enough, the dragon was pure of heart and accepted the task. With keen eye, razor sharp claws, and knife like teeth the dragon advanced on his knew foes. The fight that ensued was so amazing it is worthy of the song “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas. I can almost hear it now…

Oops! Got caught up in the music, but now I am back. The battle between ninja and dragon continued. The dragon was mighty and strong, but the number of ninja continued to multiply like a swarm of mosquitoes. With every small attack the dragon suffered a tiny wound that slowly sapped his strength. Over time the dragons breathing became labored and his movements slow. He too found himself backed against the post. From here on out he took up a defensive attack.

Like a true hero the dragon used his own body to shield the gnome from the many attacks of the ninjas. The dragon’s strength and fortitude held strong and lasted for most of the night.

Unfortunately, when morning broke the dragon’s resolve began to wane. When the gnome and the dragon thought all hope was lost a lone figure opened the screen door and emerged in to the sunlight. After surveying the backyard the lone figures eyes slowly fell upon the dragon and the gnome and their peculiar entanglement. Fortunately for the dragon and gnome the ninjas had fled. Using their art of concealment they melted into the shadows.

Misunderstanding the situation, the lone figure believed he had caught the gnome and dragon in the mighty throws of passion. Wishing to memorialize this momentous occasion the lone figure rushed inside to secure a camera. With camera in hand and a wide grin on his face he burst through the screen door and began his barrage of pictures.

Too stunned and shocked to move, the dragon and gnome stood their ground. After the lone figures appetite for photos was satiated, he left to go post these amazing pictures on the web. Some time after the images were sent they found their way into my mail box.

You of course know the rest.

So the next time you see an image of friend, family member, or anyone in a compromising position look closely at the picture see if there are any ninja stars, swords, or nunchucks. I could be the result of the roaming ninjas.

Posted in Random Thoughts | Leave a comment

Look Out Below

Posted on May 8, 2011 by blksquirrel

I have decided to write about something that is very close to me. I have actually wanted to write about this for some time, but was worried that it might be too soon. Well for no particular reason I felt like today of all days is a great magnanimous day to put these thoughts down for you.

I said the topic is something that is close to me. Naturally, if I had read that I would think it meant my heart. However, the topic really couldn’t be farther from my heart. The topic is actually near my foot or at times (so sad) under foot.

I walk my dog Isaac twice a day. He has a lot of energy and he needs to let loose and explore to burn it off. So a twice a day outing does the job. The route we take each day is pretty standard. There is some deviation depending on the weather, people, cats, squirrels, or other dogs. For the most part it remains the same.

I live close to a school and it has large expanses of grass all around it, which is ideal for the big dog. Tons of bushes and trees to sniff/pee on and an infinite number of places to go number 2. Don’t worry I clean up after him and dispose of the deuce in the trash. I am not about leaving land mines for unsuspecting students. That is just wrong.

On our morning excursions the lawns in front of the school always have a light sprinkling of dew, which soaks Isaacs paws and his under belly. He does not seem to mind though. He zig zags from spot to spot, dines on choice areas grass, and eventually makes his way to the bushes to rub his scent on. The minute we make are way to the bushes I am immediately on alert. Ironically enough, there is no danger to Isaac or myself. He and I are actually the dangerous ones with our combined weight of 285 lbs. So what are we a danger too?

FREAKING SNAILS!

To be honest I have never had that much love for snails. They are slimy, move slowly, and have waged war on my mother’s garden for years. It is a terrible war with many casualties on both sides. However, I started thinking differently about my feelings for the little guys when I first accidently crushed one under foot. All I heard was the tiny little pop. What I felt was instant regret. What a way to go. Crushed by a New Balance sneaker.

Since that time I have made it my mission to not end the life of another snail by way of foot (left or right). Unfortunately the task has proven to be very difficult. Those mornings with the dew covered lawns attract snails from miles around. It is kind of like a pilgrimage to a sacred place where there are thousands of people. Although there is no danger of being crushed by a massive foot.

9 Snails

This is just a small block of grass that contains 9 snails. Multiply the number of snails by 10 and that is the number I have to a try and avoid as Isaac marches around with reckless abandon. I am really not exaggerating either. I have never seen so many snails in my entire life. It is flabbergasting.

The weird thing is that there are no snails to be seen when I walk Isaac in the same areas for his afternoon walk. It is like they vanish into thin air. On multiple occasions I have tried to persuade Isaac to use his superior sense of smell to locate said earth dwellers, but it was not his idea of a good time.

Left to my own devices (EEEEK!) I came up with a valid reason of why the snails disappear. My wife watches this show “Medium.” The main character Allison DuBois has the uncanny ability see and speak with the dead, see peoples memories or things they have done in the past, and dream about the possible future. It is my theory that I possess some of those abilities as well. The snails Isaac and I encounter everyday are actually the ghosts of past snails that have met their doom by foot, poison, lawn mower, hungry crow, the possibilities are really endless.

I believe that these snails are contacting me so I can help them fulfill the things left undone in this world so they can pass over to the spiritual world. To my dismay I just seem to be adding to their numbers, because mixed in with the ghost are living snails. What a colossal debacle this is. Plus, Isaac has no regard for the snails. He has done his fair amount of snail squashing.

Despite my set backs and my inability to communicate in the native language of the snails, I will persevere and see these snail souls to the other side.

So when you are walking on a dew covered lawn remember to “look out bellow.” You may just save the life of a snail.

Posted in Walks with My Dog | Leave a comment